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Sunday, July 8, 2012
I used to proud of my total independence. I say whatever shit I want to say, do whatever stuff I want to do. No one can control me or bug me. But on the flip side, no body cases what I do. Every time I mention something like this, my friends will say "it's about time to get a girl friend". But that sounds too much like getting a girl friend just to fulfill my need, as in "I am thirty, so I buy a bottle of water" (and by the way, sorry, but still don't like the idea of buying bottled natural resources). Beside, there's consequence. I can't get, utilize, and then get rid of a girl friend, like people getting rid of their pets. Usually I either not attach to someone or some object, or getting very attached to someone or something, even after they died or self-destructed. And my experience told me that you don't just get a girl friend, but instead a family of new friends, relatives, and sometimes enemies. I really don't know if I am being overly selfish or overly sensitive.
Still, there's no string attach to me right now. All is takes me kick start myself to search a new adventure of love and hate. Or wait for "little people" do it's magic.
I should stop reading "1Q84" for a while.
Still, there's no string attach to me right now. All is takes me kick start myself to search a new adventure of love and hate. Or wait for "little people" do it's magic.
I should stop reading "1Q84" for a while.
Location:Should I find a girl friend?
A friend I met at anime convention was chatting with me about football and soccer. Somehow I came up with this analogy: if American foot is like turn based RPG (rely on formation and strategy, process in turn base), then soccer is like action RPG (rely on formation and strategy, keep on combating until reaching a major milestone).
I usually don't say smart stuff like this, so I gotta document it here.
I usually don't say smart stuff like this, so I gotta document it here.
Location:American football and soccer
"With GreyHound, I can go anywhere"
Thanks to my friend Rachel, I got to meet a lot of interesting people, people I would't naturally have met with my kind of blunt honesty and natural talent on pissing off people. One of them was a maid cafe girl called Bambi. Bambi is an Asian American girl in a cross section of a elder teen and a young adult, working at a Sanrio store, having a pair of giant eyes (at least when she put on her prescribed contact lens). Like a lot of young people these days, she's socially active, cheerful, enjoys alchocol breverage, and absoutely ready to try anything that doesn't kill her. You can be attracted by Bambi for tons of different resons. For me, it was a line she said to us last night.
"With GreyHound, I can go anywhere."
She said that during our conversation at maid cafe. We were talking about driving in general, as I always have an impression that all young people knows how to drive. In fact. some probably started doing it long before they got their driver licenses. Bambi, on the other hand, doesn't feel like she has a need to learn to drive. She commutes by bus to work during weekdays, and goes to mall or visit friends by bus during weekends. She doesn't have the luxury to impulsively decide to get to somewhere miles away in 15 minutes, and instead have to schedule her life around certain bus schedules. And there were times when she had to do a little bit hitchhiking so that could get home after 11 pm, as buses start coming by a every 45 minutes interval instead of every 10 minutes. Still, Bambi continues to manage her life, done what she wanted to do, and having a good time.
The reason why all these surprised me was because, while I had the similar bus riding experience during my college days, the memory and the feeling I have as I recall about taking buses was way different from what Bambi told us. Back then I had to squeeze a lot of college credit hours in my college study schedule because I need to get through college as soon as possible, before I ran out of money to fund my college education (I was a foreign student back then and there's no financial aid for foreign students). I found that having my life dictated by public bus scheduled being something that caused a lot of pain and agony to me back then. The inferior public transportation system in the city I lived at didn't help neither. Seeing my friends getting their own cars one by one, starting to have a brand new life that involved partying, dating and having fun made me depress. Eventually I got my own second-hand used car with the US$1800 I saved during my junior year. With this new freedom machine, I told myself that I would keep fighting in my life, and made sure that nothing in this world, particular not the stupid Metro Bus Schedule, would in any sharp of form control my life ever. I didn't want to rely on anyone to give me ride. I wanted to be the driver of my own destiny.
Such road map of living worked out fairly well for me throughout my life. Now I make a decent living, do and go wherever I found pleasing to me, and without no one holding me back, meaning no family no baby and no loan, I have the opportunity to make any major detour in my life. And since things worked out for me, I assume that it should on the others too.
But Bambi showed me another possibility of navigating life. I don't know how things will end up with her, don't know if she will still be happy with all the decisions she made during her post-teenage days 10, 20 or 30 years later. One thing for sure, though, is that she's hopeful about her life and the situations surrounding her. That is the power of being young: that everything is possible, and there's always a way to get through situations no matter how crazy and dead-end it may seemed. In the meantime, she just keep smiling, being cute, and having a good time. She doesn't have to take the owning a car and learning to drive route, because "with GreyHound, I can go anywhere."
"With GreyHound, I can go anywhere."
She said that during our conversation at maid cafe. We were talking about driving in general, as I always have an impression that all young people knows how to drive. In fact. some probably started doing it long before they got their driver licenses. Bambi, on the other hand, doesn't feel like she has a need to learn to drive. She commutes by bus to work during weekdays, and goes to mall or visit friends by bus during weekends. She doesn't have the luxury to impulsively decide to get to somewhere miles away in 15 minutes, and instead have to schedule her life around certain bus schedules. And there were times when she had to do a little bit hitchhiking so that could get home after 11 pm, as buses start coming by a every 45 minutes interval instead of every 10 minutes. Still, Bambi continues to manage her life, done what she wanted to do, and having a good time.
The reason why all these surprised me was because, while I had the similar bus riding experience during my college days, the memory and the feeling I have as I recall about taking buses was way different from what Bambi told us. Back then I had to squeeze a lot of college credit hours in my college study schedule because I need to get through college as soon as possible, before I ran out of money to fund my college education (I was a foreign student back then and there's no financial aid for foreign students). I found that having my life dictated by public bus scheduled being something that caused a lot of pain and agony to me back then. The inferior public transportation system in the city I lived at didn't help neither. Seeing my friends getting their own cars one by one, starting to have a brand new life that involved partying, dating and having fun made me depress. Eventually I got my own second-hand used car with the US$1800 I saved during my junior year. With this new freedom machine, I told myself that I would keep fighting in my life, and made sure that nothing in this world, particular not the stupid Metro Bus Schedule, would in any sharp of form control my life ever. I didn't want to rely on anyone to give me ride. I wanted to be the driver of my own destiny.
Such road map of living worked out fairly well for me throughout my life. Now I make a decent living, do and go wherever I found pleasing to me, and without no one holding me back, meaning no family no baby and no loan, I have the opportunity to make any major detour in my life. And since things worked out for me, I assume that it should on the others too.
But Bambi showed me another possibility of navigating life. I don't know how things will end up with her, don't know if she will still be happy with all the decisions she made during her post-teenage days 10, 20 or 30 years later. One thing for sure, though, is that she's hopeful about her life and the situations surrounding her. That is the power of being young: that everything is possible, and there's always a way to get through situations no matter how crazy and dead-end it may seemed. In the meantime, she just keep smiling, being cute, and having a good time. She doesn't have to take the owning a car and learning to drive route, because "with GreyHound, I can go anywhere."
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
I just found out that I have a draft blog post left on my blogger account with something wirtten like this:
"I cannot believe that totally forgot why I was not happy the last time what made me unhappy the last time, now I remember it: it was the freaking line ,and I am in one of those lines now. Very stressful.
Long long long line at on site registration"
I think I wrote that while I was upset for being pointed as "transvester" while I was lining up for A-kon anime conference registration. It was a while ago so it wasn't that hurtful anymore. Still, I am trying to make it as a reminder to encourage myself being kind to the others, because there's already enough hate, hurtfulness and rejection in this world. We need more love and acceptance instead.
"I cannot believe that totally forgot why I was not happy the last time what made me unhappy the last time, now I remember it: it was the freaking line ,and I am in one of those lines now. Very stressful.
Long long long line at on site registration"
I think I wrote that while I was upset for being pointed as "transvester" while I was lining up for A-kon anime conference registration. It was a while ago so it wasn't that hurtful anymore. Still, I am trying to make it as a reminder to encourage myself being kind to the others, because there's already enough hate, hurtfulness and rejection in this world. We need more love and acceptance instead.
It must be tough to be a girl
I knew I am sensitive to rejection. Not being accepted, being isolated, being ignored and being discriminated can really destroy me. But at least I am also crave for satisfaction from doing great work, found accomplishment on creating something good, or found myself fully utilize my time doing productive activities. So my male DNA kept me from totally relying on social relationship to gain happiness.
Girls, on the other hand, are born to be social animal. Their happiness mostly built on the top of being socially accepted, and for most of them the ultimate goal in their life is to find someone who they can depend on, someone they love, and importantly, someone who loves them. That's why breaking up or divorce is such a big deal to them. But then I was also told that girls recover from breaking up faster than man. I guess that maybe caused by the fact that they are highly social, and thus have more experience on dealing with hardship in relationships.
People tends to ignore the fact that when they try to get something, they also get the things that comes along. When you married a guy, you get the things you like about him, but you also get the things you don't like. And in most case, the things you don't like about him will stay being like that forever, and you have to deal with the fact that you will not get the perfect him. That perfection image is only in your dream, and will never become reality. So for the same reason, when a guy wants to be become a girl, he shall also prepare to get all the good things and bad things about being a girl. And in a social norm of looking down transgender people, there's way more negative things you will have to endure. So count the cost before jumping in. But once you are in, be proud for being yourself and for the fact that you are brave enough to make that commitment.
Girls, on the other hand, are born to be social animal. Their happiness mostly built on the top of being socially accepted, and for most of them the ultimate goal in their life is to find someone who they can depend on, someone they love, and importantly, someone who loves them. That's why breaking up or divorce is such a big deal to them. But then I was also told that girls recover from breaking up faster than man. I guess that maybe caused by the fact that they are highly social, and thus have more experience on dealing with hardship in relationships.
People tends to ignore the fact that when they try to get something, they also get the things that comes along. When you married a guy, you get the things you like about him, but you also get the things you don't like. And in most case, the things you don't like about him will stay being like that forever, and you have to deal with the fact that you will not get the perfect him. That perfection image is only in your dream, and will never become reality. So for the same reason, when a guy wants to be become a girl, he shall also prepare to get all the good things and bad things about being a girl. And in a social norm of looking down transgender people, there's way more negative things you will have to endure. So count the cost before jumping in. But once you are in, be proud for being yourself and for the fact that you are brave enough to make that commitment.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
表演服
約了朋友Skype視象通訊，朋友卻「放了飛機」。反正已經上了妝，便找了一套之前未用過來拍照的服裝，準備拍些照片。郤又發覺相機在車上，不想一身表演服行出車房，於是用iPad. 說了一大堆，還不是要替拍攝效果不好，來個開脫。
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